Dear Birth Mama

Dear Birth Mama,
You have been on my heart and mind a lot lately, and I wanted to write to you...maybe getting things out will be easier then keeping it all in. As we get closer and closer to our sons birthday, I can't stop thinking about you and who you are. I have many questions for you, questions that I will more then likely never get answered, but that doesn't stop me from thinking about them. My heart breaks for you and the decision you made almost 3 years ago.  See I know how it feels to carry a child for 9 months as I have two biological children. I think about your pregnancy with our son... did you have nausea and swollen ankles, did you crave certain foods, did you get up 10 times a night to go to the restroom because he was dancing on your bladder? I often think about the night you gave birth (for some reason I think you did so at night), did you give birth at home, was it an easy or hard labor? I pray it was an easy labor and not a difficult one. I wonder, the 1st time you saw his precious little face did you weep at the  sight of this amazing child you were holding, or did you weep for other reasons? 

I often think of you when I'm doing things around the house, like the dishes. Do you stand at your sink thinking about the son that you once had? Because I do, I think of him every day and multiple times each hour or even minute. I would like to think that you and I share a lot of the same emotions about our son. Like the longing and empty feeling in your heart because he's not there to fill it. Or the joy that your missing out on because he's not by your side. 

I pray that you know that I love you and I am thankful for you and the decision that you made 3 years ago, because if you hadn't, then I would not be gaining a son. I pray that somehow you know that our son will grow up in a happy home, with many fun memories of a family that love and cherish him deeply. A family that will always do what's  best for him and will  always care for him, the same way you cared for him during those 9 months of your pregnancy. 

I doubt that I will ever meet you in this lifetime, but sometimes I lay awake at night, not able to sleep thinking of you and hoping that someday we will meet. And maybe that time won't come until we are both in heaven with each of us standing next to our son, holding his hands and talking like long lost friends. Forever we will be connected. 

With deep love and gratitude,
Jessi